Our culture urges us to be who we truly are, no matter what that means. Claire Musters spoke to two Good Book Company authors engaging with this topic: Matt Fuller, a father and pastor, and Rachel Gilson, who tells her personal story as well as looking at how the gospel’s message is still good news for today.
Matt Fuller’s latest book is Be True to Your Self: Why it doesn’t mean what you think it does (and how that can make you happy).
The idea that we need to look within and express our true selves is everywhere. Why is this so problematic?
‘Being true to yourself’ can simply mean having integrity. However, it increasingly means looking within to ‘discover who you truly are’. But not many of us know ourselves very well and we all have conflicting and oscillating feelings, which often change over time. What if a teenage girl says she wonders if she’s actually male in the wrong body? Evidence reveals that most of the time those feelings will fade within a decade and the girl will be content as a woman. At what age is she actually being ‘true to herself’?
What age group were you envisaging when you wrote the book?
No age group is immune from thinking: ‘If it feels good to me, then it must be true’, but those in their teens and twenties have grown up knowing this as a dominant worldview. So it’s written chiefly for them and for parents and others trying to understand why this demographic has the assumptions that it does.
You tackle the cultural ideal of living for ourselves, then explain how we truly find ourselves in reflecting God, knowing others and seeing Christ – why did you take that approach?
I wanted to explore what was good about ‘being true to self’, and why we find it appealing, before exploring some of the problems. Also to connect with where people are at in their thinking to show that the aspirations that they have are not met in selfactualisation but in Christ and His Church.
Why do you think sexuality is such a massive part of the ‘be true to yourself’ cultural message? And what message do you hope to put across?
Culture has peddled the idea of sexual fulfilment as absolutely essential for happiness, ignoring the joy we can find in the variety of relationships (friends, parents, co-workers, siblings, cousins etc). The Church sometimes colludes with this by suggesting that you’re only a success if you are married. But the Church must not be heard to be saying this. Otherwise we are saying that those who are same-sex attracted cannot be a success. Church must be a place where family is genuine, friendships are precious and sex is viewed as a healthy glue and good gift in marriage, but not indispensable for human flourishing.
The Christian message of denying yourself to find yourself opens up the whole idea of being our best selves within community – why is that the most satisfying way to live?
In His wonderful wisdom, God has designed his people to operate as a body – we need one another to understand the depths of God’s love. We need to share our tears and triumphs. We are meant to depend upon one another. It’s counter cultural but we find both ourselves and also real pleasure in serving others.
Rachel Gilson’s book Born Again This Way tells her story of same-sex attraction, coming to faith and what that has meant for her journey ever since.
Why do you think the Church struggles to know how to support and love those with same-sex attraction?
The Church has often been as addicted to romance as the world, and fallen into the trap of thinking that a person has to be married to be whole. Most same-sex attracted disciples will not marry, which creates a hard dynamic in churches where the only way to be seen is to be married.
Temptation towards same-sex sexual behaviour has been treated as if it is one of the very worst sins. It can be portrayed as a choice that people make because they hate God, or have given into perversion. People who experience same-sex attraction have been very hurt by the exclusion and judgement of Christians.
How did you come to the decision that scripture was telling you not to act on your same-sex attractions?
When I looked at the prohibition passages myself, in Leviticus, Romans and 1 Corinthians, for example, I discovered that God says ‘No’ to same-sex lust and sexual behaviour. However, over time, I realised that God doesn’t just say ‘No’. First and foremost, he says ‘Yes’ in Jesus. And he says ‘Yes’ to sexuality – in the way he designed it. This is what I explore in depth in my book.
What would you say in response to the cultural message of labelling ourselves by our sexual desires?
God made us to be creatures who desire, but sin has come in and broken us. The process of redemption is learning to chart our desires against God and His Word because He loves us. My desires didn’t die for me; my desires don’t weep when I’m in pain. Jesus died for me. Joy is found with Him. I can only say ‘No’ to a prohibited desire if I’m also saying a larger, fuller, ‘Yes’ to Him.
We need to be able to name what is true about us. We need to have permission to be honest about the things we face. But the truest thing about me is this: Who owns me? Is it my desires, or is it Jesus?
Your life took an unexpected turn; you are now married. Why did that cause you to be reticent about telling your story?
Stories are powerful, so can be weaponised. We can hear one particular story, and think that’s the only story. The Church has idolised marriage, saying that the best option for samesex attracted disciples is marriage according to God’s definition.
I want people to see marriage as not preferable, or promised, but possible. God has called each of us to be either faithfully single, or faithfully married. Both are vocations of dignity and honour.
What do you think that those who are same-sex attracted but choose to remain celibate can teach the rest of the Church?
We have been taught to think of romantic love as the ultimate form that intimacy and love can take – but biblically, it’s just not true! Jesus, the most authentic, fulfilled person who ever experienced human life, never had romance. Yet clearly He had deep, meaningful relationships.
Christians among us who are faithful in singleness, whether chosen or unchosen, point towards the family that the Church is meant to be. They point to the reality of the resurrection – that the true marriage is coming, and no one who is in Christ will be left out. The real question is, can we who are married learn to be family to singles as we ought?
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